It’s been 3 months since my last post. And my life has been turned on its head in those months, I barely recognise it as my own. On 28th September 2011, my dearest dad had a massive heart attack and passed on in his sleep. It was a thunder bolt out of the blue. My mum, brother and I are reeling. Three months have passed and I still wonder if it is real. Is he really gone? Can he really be dead? Surely not MY dad……
My dad was the most amazing man. He overcame many afflictions, and while we had a rocky start to our relationship, the last 10 years with him have been amazing. He has been a father par excellence. In the last 10 years he has been the kind of father who would drop everything for his children. His life has revolved around his wife, his children, his home. He was known for his quiet, caring nature, his humility, his love, his kindness, his quick smile and his emaculate sense of dress. My dad taught in the same school for 41 years and four months until his retirement at aged 65 in April this year. In the days following his death, I have spoken to so many of his ex-pupils who expressed their love for him and their utter shock at his death. My dad was counting the days until my mum’s retirement which would have been effective as of 01 December.
I am beset with regrets. I wish I had hugged him at our last parting, instead of the quick wave goodbye. I wished I could tell him one last time how much I love him, how much I respect him and how proud I am of him. I wish I could have just a little more time with him. And I wish, with every fibre of my being that I was able to give him the joy of being a grandfather…..something he was very much looking forward to.
I miss you daddy. And I love you so much. I wish we had more time together. I look forward to the day we meet again. I still seek your love and guidance.
Rest In Peace My Dearest Daddy
Its days like today that make me wonder what the point of my existance is? I work all week, wait for the weekend, and when it finally gets here all it does is prove how empty my life is.
After going out with the boys for three Fridays in a row, DH actually stayed home last night. I got all excited thinking we could spend some quality time together once the foster kid goes to bed. But DH decides to go to bed at 8:30 claiming to be tired. Which is surprising since he had the day off from work. So I spent Fridat night watching movies all alone in my lounge. OK so he did make me a nice supper but I would choose quality time with him over a meal anyday.
Today I got up early and and did some chores. DH made breakfast. Then his sister called to say that she wanted to spend time with the foster kid. So they up and left. Once I was done cleaning I realise I had nothing to do, nowhere to go. I did consider going to the movies but it would have just highlighted my lonliness. I thought that DH’s sister would keep the kid for a few hours so that we could have some alone time but DH showed up a few hours later with the kid in tow!! I’m tired. I’m not asking to be taken out for fancy meals. I just want hang out with my husband. I’m beginning to understand why women have affairs. Companionship is so important.
Another reason why I have to recover from infertility. I need to love and to be loved.
I’ve decided that I’m being waaaay too hard my poor husband. I’ve been so angry and resentful of the fact that he won’t support me in my bid to have a baby, won’t help me save for another IVF, won’t even allow me to vent my hurt/anger/frustration/helplessness. But I forgot to take into consideration that he is under serious pressure at work. He is the regional manager, and managers all of KZN. It’s a huge responsibility. He is answerable for all that happens in the region, as well as the staff. He’s busy ensuring that he makes a sucess of his job so our family and home and survive. What a load! So off course he has difficulty even thinking of IVF and the costs involved. Not to mention that he’s probably petrified of failing at IVF again. He was so devastated the last time.
So I’ve decided that I’m going to stop being bitter and angry at my poor sweet husband and just appreciate him for the gem of a man he is.
I’m far from a perfect wife so how can I expect perfection from him. I mean how many men say “I love you” and actually mean it ??!! So he’s not very vocal abt his feelings…but he sure does demonstrate it. Here’s a man who treats me so well in so many ways.
So I’m going to concentrate on da baby making and let him concentrate on keeping our household going.
My sunny outlook on life is back !!
After two weeks of flying, feeling so positive, I have landed with a crash. This last week has been so difficult. My body is on its own its own buzz and I’ve been having chest pains!! And my joints are aching.. WTF?!?
I’m still trying to get some attention from DH but it seems like displays of affection are a thing of the past. I feel like I’m going to wither and die from a lack of love. I asked him over BBM why he prefers to spend time wid his friends as opposed to me and he said it because I am always cranky!! Duh! Well off course I’m gonna be cranky if I’m dealing with my issues all on my own! I sometimes so badly need a hug, and just for DH to reassue me but he doesn’t even want to hear the word baby.
Not to mention the fact that I have a foster child who is driving me up the wall. Maybe I’m not big-hearted enuf to love somebody elses child but everything this child does irritates me.
My form of escapism is to run away to my parents. I spent the weekend with them and they spoil me soooo much. They also allow to speak about the things that are bugging me, and I feel so much better after spending time with them.
So, thanks to my parents I am feeling a bit more positive. I have decided to go for a general checkup, just to make sure all those aches and pains are not serious. Other than that I am on track to have the next round of IVF in December. And maybe, just maybe, I will be a mommy after all…
Hello Fellow Bloggers
After many attempts, I am hoping to be able to post this blog today. Guess I’m a bit slow with these things.
Sooo I’m not sure how this works. I’ve read other people’s posts but how do u get started ?! Maybe if I tell u about myself?
I live in Dbn. I’ve been married for 5 and a half years to an AMAZING husband who looooove madly truly deeply, except when he’s driving me crazy! I also have two gorgeous cats who are complete brats but are my beautiful boys.
I have one sibling, a brother who is 6 yrs younger than me but who treats me like his baby sister. Am lucky to have an awesome sister-in-law – she’s def da sister I never had! Unfortunately they live in Jhb and I see them only every few months 😦
My saviours are my parents. They shower me with love and attention. I am so blessed to have them. And my maternal gran who lives with them.
For the last year DH and I have been trying to have a baby. Well it was basically at my insistence dat we made an attempt. We have an 8 year old foster kid and DH thinks it shud be enuf. So I’ve been stiflinf my maternal urges for da last three yrs, and crying in private everytime I hear of a peers pregnancy or see pregnant women or babies. I finally managed to convince him to see an FS last year. The news wasn’t so good.
OMG, just accidently deleted half of my post. Eish. Gonna publish now.
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